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Samaritans teach importance of listening
LONG ago, in 1979, when I was knee deep in babies, nappies and bottles, I was living in Inverness and hardly knew anyone.
My husband was away for ten of the 18 months that we lived there. I wanted to do something with my time, that wouldn't take up too much time, but would be good and stimulating.
At the same time, I was reading a book by Monica Dickens called "The Listeners." It was about someone who was a Samaritan. I can't remember much about the book but I did think "I could do that".
On making further inquiries I discovered that I could get the training, and would only be asked for three or four hours a week with one overnight per month.
Samaritans
The Samaritans was founded by Chad Varah, a C.of E. clergyman in the crypt of St Stephen's Church in Walbrook London.
He heard that three young men had committed suicide in just one day in Clapham, so he recruited and trained people, who would just listen to the suicidal and despairing. The listeners were not therapists, and were called befrienders.
He always maintained that God had intervened when he applied for the first Samaritans telephone number. It was MAN9000! He was an unusual and eccentric man and, in 1974, he was ousted by the organisation he had founded, because he was a hopeless organiser despite his inspirational ideas.
I have only found this out recently, as Chad Varah has just died at the age of 95. I didn't know much about him when I joined up, but I do remember that the work was far more challenging than I had ever imagined.
It was an amazing experience to be at the other end of an emergency phone number. It was a very small centre in Inverness, and it was a 24 hour service.
Volunteer
A volunteer would turn up about 15 minutes before their duty time, have a small handover from the previous volunteer, sit down at the phone table and wait.
Sometimes the phone wouldn't ring at all, and sometimes it would never stop. Sometimes the calls would be harrowing, and sometimes they would be funny.
We had to take every call seriously, even though many were hoaxes or offensive. Mostly the calls were from sad, lonely or distressed people, who at this time in their lives had no-one that they felt they could talk to.
What is it about talking to a stranger that helps? People seem to be so afraid of what other people might think about them. The truth is that you can't ever be in charge of what other people think, that really is their business. Your business is to notice what you think, and you can definitely be in charge of that.
Anecdotes
So what is it about listening, really listening, that makes such a difference to people who are suffering? Most of the conversations that we have with our friends and family are sort of swap shops of anecdotes.
How many times have you shared a bit of information, or news, or a problem with someone and they immediately tell you a story about how that once happened to them, or to someone they know. Suddenly, you, who wanted a sympathetic ear, end up listening to someone else's story.
Real listening is about something else entirely. It is only about the speaker. It requires nothing from the listener other than empathy, sympathy and understanding.
They don't want you to solve their problems, because they really want to, and can do that themselves. They just want to be heard. And that applies to children, teenagers, parents and grandparents and everyone in between.
A wise Indian gentleman said: "So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to their words, but also to the feeling of what they are saying, to the whole of it, not just part of it."
Listening ear
I'm not saying that I ever got the hang of it 100%, but I did learn that I could keep myself out of the conversation, and just offer a listening ear to whoever the anonymous person at the other end of the phone was.
It was a privileged and humbling position that I stumbled into as a young woman, but one that has had a continuing influence on my life.
This is what Chad Varah wanted for everyone, who had no one to listen to them. Then perhaps they would realise that there is always someone around, 24 hours a day, prepared to listen, really listen and just maybe the whole course of that person's life could be changed.
The idea was so inspiring that there are now Samaritan Centres all over the world, and listening is recognised as a gentle art. As Paul Tillich said: "The first duty of love is to listen."
- Jo Middlemiss is a personal life coach who lives in Edzell. You can contact her on (01356) 648 329.
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Friday 25 May 2012
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